Cramped Quarters
by Kelly123
Summary: Quit hogging the bed Jacob! ONESHOT


_I'm pretty much done with twilight._

_Breaking Dawn blew like a cheap whore, the movie looks like it will blow like an even cheaper whore, and Midnight Sun is a publicity stunt._

_Or maybe I'm just negative. But I do sorta have this new ship, and blackwater is love. I've been wanting to write one but the idea well keeps shooting blanks. Or should I say idea gun? Or idea…you get the picture. And btw, Nessie doesn't exist. Because she creeps me out and has the most ridiculous name known to man-vampire-werewolf kind. And maybe these shenanigans takes places pre-BD, I'm not quite sure…_

_This is for Abner, because she is the lamest person I know._

* * *

"This has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever, _ever_ heard of. Even for you Black." Leah Clearwater snarled, yanking the lid to Jared's truck bed open and staring into its interior reproachfully, hands falling to rest on a pair of sharply cocked hips.

"Wha-Leah! How did you find me so soon?" came a startled voice from inside the darkness, the dim outline of a figure rising up to rest on his elbows in order to peer out over the tailgate. Bits of debris clung haphazardly to his dark hair and tee-shirt, and his eyes twinkled with childlike glee from where they squinted into the sudden sunlight. The whole thing kind of made Leah want to vomit.

"You are absolutely hopeless." She said with a frustrated scoff, pulling herself up and over the tailgate in one fluid movement. Once inside, she shot her companion an especially dirty glance before closing the lid down on top of the two of them with perhaps a bit more emphasis than the task really required. Close to total darkness set in immediately, and with it the two attempted to make themselves comfortable. Jacob slipped down off his arms to once again rest on his stomach, and Leah settled on her back to stare blankly into the blackness which hid the exposed underbelly of the bed lid above her. Jared's Chevy was white (or at least once had been), which now only emphasized how impossibly filthy it was. This fact might have bothered her a few years ago, but once a girl has reduced to smearing her muzzle in freshly slaughtered animal carcass, a few leaves and empty parliament packs strewn around her didn't do much to phase her.

"You know, I don't care what you think Clearwater. In my opinion, this is an awesome hiding place." There was more than a hint of smugness in Jake's tone, and Leah rolled her eyes though she knew the effect was lost in the darkness.

"My point lies in the fact that, when playing sardines with a pack of werewolves, there are no good hiding places."

"You used your senses!? Oh come on Leah, that's so not fair. This is Claire's birthday party, you have to give her a chance."

"Well listen to you, Mr. Father-of-the-year. I'm not a team-player. Sooo…I'm going to suggest you get over it."

"Sounds like someone didn't get enough cake and ice-cream." Jake teased, his good mood not dampened by her perpetually sullied sprits.

"I don't like vanilla."

"The cake was chocolate."

"I don't like cake."

"Hmm, that must be because you're already so sweet to begin with."

Leah grabbed a handy tire-jack and aimed it straight for his gut. The impact didn't do him any harm, of course, but it always helps to throw things. "Why hasn't anyone else found us yet? You aren't exactly keeping your voice down, even by human standards."

"It's called playing along Clearwater. I'm sure they know exactly where we are, but they are letting the little ones have a shot at packing in here first. That's the best part of sardines, way too many people in way too small of a space!"

"A bunch of sticky kids and sweaty werewolves, crushed together in a tightly enclosed space. Sounds like a freaking blast."

"Don't see how it could possibly get any get more fun-filled in here than it already is. Besides, if you hadn't cheated and sniffed me out so quickly, there would be one less sweaty werewolf to stink up the place."

"Oh I know you aren't saying that I stink, Black. Compared to the bunch of you, even my dog-breath smells like freaking roses."

"Dunno about that one, Paul certainly is one nicely scented dude. And when I bathe, I'm not too bad myself."

Just because she couldn't see his face didn't mean she couldn't hear the smirk in his voice."Is this seriously happening right now? Am I truly discussing body odor with Jacob Black? Oh God, what pits of despair my life has sunken to."

"You know, nobody is making you stay in this pit of despair here with yours truly. If you wanted to play fair you could always get out and give everyone else a chance of finding me. Unless you're scared of losing, of course."

"Right, because that makes sense and everything. Let me get out and wander aimlessly for a spell to kill a minute, and then get right back in here like I didn't know where I was going the whole time." Leah gestured a bit too emphatically with her hands and scraped them against the lid ceiling above her. She had a fleeting that that this must be something like being buried alive.

"So I guess you'll be sticking it out with me then? Good choice, quality bonding time is so hard to come by these days."

"So is sanity, evidently. I'm getting the hell outta here."Cautiously, she rose up as much as the cramped quarters would allow and tried to push up on the lid. It didn't budge. She scrunched her brow and applied more pressure. Still nothing.

"Hey, give me a hand would you? This thing is stuck or something."

"Ugh, you're such a girl." He groaned, attempting to shift into a crouching position, though his bulky frame permitted for much less movement than Leah's had. He placed his hands palms flat above him and together they strained against the lid, though again it was to no avail.

"You have got to be freaking kidding me." Leah buried her head in her hands.

"What the hell Clearwater? How did you manage to lock us in!?"

"Shut up Black, I didn't do anything! You can't lock these things from the inside you idiot!"

"Well I know _that_, but I think it's pretty obvious you did _something _or else we wouldn't be in this situation!"

"I shut the freaking lid. That's all I did, and it's the same thing you did, so shut up!"

"You keep telling me to shut up, yet you're the one doing most of the screaming."

"Oh shu-I freaking hate you." She hissed though her teeth "I bet it's just stuck, like I said."

"That must be one really, really, _really_ stuck lid then."

"Guess so."

"Hmm…"

"Hmm what?"

"Nothing."

"Imagine that."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

"You're such a bitch."

"Wow, never heard that one before. Now quit whining and help me try and lift this this thing again. Let's use our legs this time."

Jake rolled over to his back with a groan and the two pressed their feet against the lid in yet another futile attempt to force it open. They pushed until they were afraid their feet would go through the roof, which was an option, but having to deal with Jared's reaction was not. They were stuck, trapped within a grimy, locked (or really, really, _really_ stuck), truck bed at a toddler's birthday party. Leah reassessed her earlier thoughts. _This _had to be what being buried alive felt like. Buried alive with an insufferable werewolf, no less. She groaned silently and set her jaw.

"Great, guess I'm stuck with you for now then. We'll just have to wait for one of the others to find us and let us out, someone should be by soon."

"I wouldn't bet on that."

"Now what are you talking about!"

"We've been in here forever, Clearwater, like I'm talking at least half an hour! If they haven't found us by now I don't think it's going to happen."

"What?! You're the one saying they were just letting the kids take their time to find us first! "

"Claire has a short attention span, all kids her age do. At this point I'm sure it's safe to say she got bored of looking and decided she wanted to play a different game. It's not like Quil is going to object to any of her whim's, least of all on her birthday."

"So what do you propose we do now then, smart-aleck?"

"The only thing we can do, phase, and then tell them where we are and to come let us out of course."

"Ohhh, good idea! Because since there isn't even enough room to sit up, we should have plenty of space to morph into a gigantic super-wolves!"

"I'm not an idiot, you idiot. I didn't say both of us, just you."

"What? Why me?"

"Well duh, it only makes sense, you're the smaller of us both."

"But not small enough. I'm not doing it, even if I did I doubt anyone else would be phased. That was a completely brainless idea, try again dimwit."

"Hey lay off would you, at least I had an idea! I don't see you offering up any brilliant solutions, and besides, you're the one who was dumb enough to lock us inside of here in the first place!"

"I didn't lock us in here! I told you, there is no way I could have!" Leah balled her hands up into two fists tightly and brought them down hard on either side of her.

"Oh sure, sure. It was opening just fine and dandy before you brought your little sunshine-y self in!"

"You are such an ass Jacob Black! I swear to God, if you-"

Her words were cut short as her heated fuse finally blew, a burst of violent motion causing the entire truck to rattle as shards from the wreckage engulfed the enclosed space.

"Hmm, guess you were right. Turns out there isn't enough room for even a little runt wolf like you to phase."

"…"

"Leah?"

"Do. Not. EVER. Speak. To. Me. Again."

"Hey, are you naked right now?"

"Close your eyes! Now, I mean it Black!" she scooted to the far side of the truck and tried to fashion some sort of a covering out of the shredded bits of fabric she had been wearing moments ago.

"Oh please, it's not like I haven't seen you without clothes on before."

"Close your eyes before I claw them out of their sockets!"

"Its pitch black in here anyway. How would you know if my eyes are open or not?"

"I hope that there is a special place in hell reserved for people like you."

"Yeah, there probably is…right next to the spot for people like you."

"I hope you kissed your little vampire-lover goodbye, because one of us isn't leaving this truck alive."

"You know, death threats just don't sound quite as chilling when they're coming from a girl with no clothes on."

"Close your eyes!"

"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not…"

"You-wait, did you hear that?"

"Shh…" the smile she couldn't see had disappeared from his face. He had heard it too, an odd creaking from beneath them, and they both lay perfectly still as they listened intently. The truck gave another slow groan before suddenly…

"AHHHHH!" Leah screamed (like a girl) as the Chevy shifted vertically. Two of Jared's huge wheels left the ground and revolved uselessly in midair as the truck landed heavily upon its side with a crash. The two trapped inside were rolled roughly across the uneven bed, smashing against each other before landing in a heap against the wheel well.

"What's going on Jacob?!" her voice sounded jagged, most unlike her typical tone, and her hands attached themselves without thinking to the cotton of his shirt.

"I don't know. Maybe…I don't know." He wrapped his arms around the flesh of her back, "Are you okay, we fell pretty hard."

"I'm fine, I think. How are you?"

"Ehh, I've had worse. Kind of where having a thick skull comes in handy."

"Glad to know it finally served some purpose…"

He chuckled softly and she returned it with a nervous giggle. Their compromising positions became awkwardly apparent when the laughter diminished, and sheepishly Jacob dropped his hands from where they rested against her bare skin. He braced himself to the imminent burn of a palm flat against his cheek, but when it didn't come his breathing quickened. Leah hadn't moved from his lap, and when she spoke again her voice was low.

"It's kind of unfair, you know. Me wearing so little clothes and you wearing so many. Many we should even it up a little."

…

Alice hopped down from her perch atop the side of a grubby old pick-up, landing with her usual air of perfect grace in the grass. Silently, she reached up and turned the rectangular handle, unlocking the bed lid with a flip of her delicate wrist. Swiping at some dust that had accumulated on her backside, she cocked an eyebrow and smiled to herself at the sound of movement from within the bed. She might not be able to see the future right now, but she had a pretty good idea of what was to come.

* * *

_Hehehe, oh Alice, you little match-maker, you._

_Oh, and if you don't know, sardines is like the opposite of hide and seek. One person hides and the rest have to find him and then hide with him. The last person to find everyone all smooshed together is it. It's super fun, and i highly suggest you all play it...now._


End file.
